Along with all of the fascinating lessons and changes that life continually brings, I wanted to share with you some of the deep peace I have felt in the gift of travel after so long.
The sights and smells and sounds… the richness of being in a totally new place. The colors!
I wish I could feel this wonder in my every day. I long to cultivate a practice to hear my own songbirds with the same new ears of delight and wonder that a tropical beach could bring.
I would love to imagine my feet in my shoes in the rain to be just as intriguing as the feeling of walking on soft white sand.
We have this one precious life and all of these experiences and choices to make. I wonder what will call my soul to come to explore and dive in and dance next?
I want to keep my heart open to the possibilities of wonder, of colors and textures and possibilities.
In this type of renewal, I can feel brand new like a beginner at this life, while deeply grounding in the knowledge that I am whole and me, I am me!
And from this place, the world around me richer, my heart is so much more open to everyone and everything around me. This feels like living whole-heartedly.
So much change. After living alone with just my son and I, my partner and his kiddos moved in. Such a wonderful soup of blending, merging, snuggles, and compromise. We have discovered so much sweetness alongside so many adjustments!
The overwhelm of change has fleshed out in mysterious and fascinating ways.
I think that with any change, no matter the quality or desire and willingness to evolve, there is also loss. I am a person who has adapted well to having many long nights on my own, puttering, self-caring in ways that unfold naturally. Lots of space have I had over these years of widowhood and solo-mama hood. Lots of natural healing time, alongside the loneliness that can bring. Yet, it’s how I’ve been in most of my motherhood.
What I have realized since this big merge, is that I am in desperate need of sacred space, rituals, and routines that connect me to me. In a two-bedroom home with three boys, two adults, and a dog, I have found myself delighted to be locked in the bathroom with my morning coffee and my journal a few times. Ha! I am a creative soul. I’ll get my quiet where I can.
I began to read Mark Nepo’s teachings this year and his commitment to cultivating that deep relationship with your soul self has really stuck with me. How important it is to befriend yourself, what that looks like only you can know. But you must create the intention and willingness to go there to discover it. Whether it’s going to nature or just sitting to be in silence. I feel there is nothing as important as knowing yourself so that your life can unfold with the intentions that you deeply long for in life: peace, happiness, resilience, open-heartedness, compassion, whatever those things are for you. Whatever helps you feel truly YOU, your spark within, that deep inner candle that flickers and sometimes holds steady, so strong. That deep knowing.
When we are connected to that, we can be more at peace in our human lives. It’s beautiful really because alongside that flame can live our deepest sorrows but also our deepest joy. I have felt this profoundly in my grief healing journey and creating the space to hold myself wherever I am at is crucial for me. I crave it and long for it.
So I knew I would need to find my space in this new dynamic of my life.
As the seasons changed and my massage hut in my backyard no longer felt viable weather-wise this year, there was my solution for a space for me to rest, read, meditate and hold my morning routine. I am committed to a morning ritual that is an evolving set of things that fuel my mental, physical and spiritual health. I have been delighted to work on tiny habits like just getting my journal out and seeing what happens or just stepping on a yoga mat to stretch and see how my body feels like moving. No presh, I’m learning to just show up.
When I hold this morning space for myself, I am more at ease in my life, centered, grounded. I have more capacity to take on the day with joy and self-awareness.
It feels so beautiful to be here. A gift to myself each day.
I have some seriously vulnerable things to share with you!!! I just survived my worst nightmare and am living to tell you about it…. Healing through sharing…here goes.
I just went on a tropical beach vacation with my favorite people in the world…in my most voluptuous body of my life in a swimsuit.
That’s it!
I’m embarrassed to say that this to me was an actual nightmare.
My body was living this as if I were going to die. I was not ready for this.
It was dawning on me that this intense amount of body shame I have had for myself my whole life was a real, living thing. I knew that I was a product of our Western world’s diet body-shame culture. But this felt so over the top here.
Packing and preparing for this trip was completely anxiety-producing – almost debilitating. I was having panic attacks and couldn’t sleep. And I was about to go to paradise and be with my best friends to have the time of our life.
My head could find little logic in any of this.
I am actually a LOVER of people in every way, all shapes and sizes. I massage and touch people every day and adore bodies. I geek out on healing and am fascinated by nearly every single thing about our amazing human experience through this lens.
I appreciate my clients in all of their ways of being. Always. Never a judgment or harsh thought on any of the thousands of butts and legs and tummies and backs I’ve seen.
Bodies are beautiful, all shapes, sizes, and versions of any of us and I know that those bodies change. I really love watching people evolve and hold them with so much compassion and love.
So WHAT is happening here?
Why this stress, lady?!
I am going to my best friend’s wedding. On an island.
First of all, I’m so grateful and feeling majorly privileged to be able to go. It’s a pandemic, first of all. Super complicated, I haven’t been on a plane in how long?
Plus, I really never imagined this kind of trip for a girl like me. The Bahamas feels like… pretty fancy. It’s a dream! I should be so excited, elated, over the moon.
Yet here I was TRIPPING OUT on how much my body had changed since I’d seen these friends. I used to be this, I used to be that. I used to be an athlete, younger, ready to do some sprints, whatever comes with all those things! Now I have thicker thighs and cellulite in weird places and a lot of extra.
“What will they think?” felt like a real, painful conundrum. How would I feel with my body posted to pictures online? Any picture, swimsuit or not. “Gosh, what will people think of me?!?”
I’m just not digging my body right now, how would they?
Wow.
I can’t believe I care and I can’t believe the power of these messages.
I know that what others think is none of my business.
Yet apparently my Buddhist-natured practices of self-love had never been able to crack this nut of self-shame and loathing.
The body-positive movement had really not undone any of this fear, panic, self-judgment.
I love myself. I do.
I thought I did!
But when put to the tropical island test, I was panicking, dieting, freaking out.
I saw what was happening and I realized that this was not me living my best life here. This is not me at my core.
At 45 years old, what I want is to thrive in my body and be unconditionally in love with this amazing life that I’m living, this healthy body with all of its flaws, curves, aches, and age. I want to live this deep knowing that I am actually a being of love energy. I am whole, complete, and lovely just as I am! I am ME! Unconditionally awesome and beautiful ME!
Other people see me for my beauty, why is this difficult to see myself?
So, I realize that I am so done with this.
Done with the pain of dieting, fantasies, and not loving who I am, wherever I am, however I am. I am done with the self-shame.
I am ready to change and learn how to love myself.
I am decided.
Yet I didn’t even know where to start.
I literally didn’t even know how to start loving myself.
Me, Katy, who has watched a million teachers’ videos, podcasts, speakers, friends talk and guide on self-love, body appreciation…all the lessons and truth and wisdom that I “know”.
Yet here I was at the starting line with myself, a total beginner.
What did I do? I chose a starting point.
I thought of all the small things that were in my control that I could do in the next month before the trip that helped me to feel beautiful, see my beauty, appreciate my body, my shape, and find my glow.
I budgeted some self-love energy and bought new earrings, some beautiful dresses. I got a facial and waxed my wiley brows (a once every 4 year event:). I browsed plus-sized swimsuits to appreciate the beauty of all sizes of bodies and ordered and tried on 30 swimsuits that were bangin’ on a curvy body. Gorgeous prints and styles that I knew I’d love to rock, not just my standard black suit. I got a tan against the advice of said esthetician.
I practiced visualizing myself on the beach among my friends, living adventures that were full of pure joy, self-appreciation, and presence. It was incredibly difficult to do at first with the compassion I was longing for. But I practiced over and over, loving me in my clothes, loving myself, my hair, my body, my movements, my strength. I focused on the gratitude I have for my amazing health and rad strong body.
I have an incredible partner right now who adores me, loves my body as it is, loves me for me. I know this. I practiced hearing this and seeing through those eyes.
I practiced distancing myself from my thoughts about myself and just letting myself BE. Be present. Just BE, girl. Chillllll.
I worked with my therapist on this in a deep somatic way, what does it feel like to have that love for yourself no matter what, where does that love live in your body? What does it feel like when another loves you unconditionally and can you receive that love and appreciation? When do I feel beautiful and what does that really feel like?
I worked with a coach who helps me to change my thoughts around things like really understanding that our beliefs shape our reality. Time to undo these thoughts that keep me feeling terrible, that keep me small and ashamed in my body. To really expand on those thoughts that help me feel powerful, engaged, present, alive, happy, grateful…. How do I WANT to think and feel about myself and my life? Practice that!
So… I went on the friggin’ trip! I was overjoyed to be staying in a beach house with not only friends who were family to me but included two of my most gorgeous friends who happen to both be incredibly fit yoginis. I delighted in this gift from the universe, to do this self-love work under these conditions. Ha!
We arrived. I stripped down, put on my suit, and rocked the self-love like a zen badass for a week! Playing, dancing, paddle boarding, jumping off of rock walls in my swimsuit and my curves and all of me all week. I was able to completely let go of my fears, my judgments of self, and just BE. I would hear whispers of the old voices, the shame or shoulds, regrets, and fears about my body and health. It felt like such old news compared to paradise. Like, give me a BREAK, small thinking.
I was able to adjust and just be. I could immerse myself in these moments of the present moment. So much love, so much fun and delight.
All of the work I had done finally took hold, the letting go had finally happened. My starting block self-love steps set me on a path of so much appreciation for my body that I won’t go back. I just refuse to hate this body anymore. I refuse to get that distracted about what’s important to me. I know what really matters. It’s time to love me. It’s time to be 45 right now and just be right where I’m at, who I am right now. Me, beautiful me!
My loving friends who are like family to me embraced me as I am (of course!!) and I survived (of course!). This trip wasn’t about me or my body after all. It was about my dear friends’ wedding, the love, the friends, our community, these incredible people and connections. Total magic. This was a soul-filling journey of self-love and adventure. It was about connection to my son, our family, our friends and community who are all of my son’s reminders of his dad, my late husband… an immersion into love. None of which had anything to do with my shape or size.
Don’t we just live in a total mind-fuck of a culture where you can be dieting your whole life?! I see it clearly and I am done. I’m ON TO YOU, B.S. body-shaming culture. It’s total baloney.
There are so many other peaceful, amazing, expansive ways to approach health, change, and loving ourselves to wellness that I am choosing a different path. I will continue to delight in this journey and share and expand this message of love.
I am sharing all of this now because it is SO COMMON, it is so deep and we are nurtured to hate ourselves. We are conditioned to see our deficits and try to force ourselves to be different, resist the beauty that we have in our differences and imperfections.
It’s time for me to share this and bare all because I feel like I’m done hiding and feeling any shame around this.
I am sharing this because on the outside, most people would NEVER guess that I have all of this inside of me, they come to me to help them love their bodies! I come across as incredibly high-functioning and well adjusted:) haha. I am but also…. I have, like all of us, this HUMAN HUMAN side. My wounded side, the shadows, the soft parts, the parts that we get to shine a light on. I am ready and wanted to share my heart and soul because vulnerability is so frigging healing.
I am on a continuous journey to find my healthiest self, mind, body, and spirit. We meet ourselves, all the parts of us right where they are.
I am committed to loving myself just as I am in each moment. I look forward to more movement, healthy eating, laughter, play, and so much love.
Starting with me and my love for myself always.
Let’s do this, people! Let’s change the way that we think about our bodies together and love on all of our differences. I am new to this, which feels shocking to me, totally exciting, and also scares the shit out of me. I am new to sharing so vulnerably that it feels also paralyzing. I’m scared to offend anyone, to turn anyone off. But I love you, and I’m just going to say F* it and hit send!
Andrew is warm, safe, engaging, committed to your health goals; and his massages are AMAZING!! Just supremely relaxing, knows the best depth of pressure, and each session is specifically tailored to your needs. He comes to us with a full and happy clientele with all of the intuitive listening skills and informed presence that you know as Rise Up Massage! I knew Andrew was the one I could trust to send my favorite people to, and I’m SO stoked that you get to bask in his professional talents too.
Get to know him a little better in this conversation between Andrew Bailey and Katy Cañete.
Andrew Through my experience in the military, I learned to appreciate the little things and the true value of hard work; which was really great and inspiring at such a young age. Showing up for people around me, working together to get the mission accomplished, and plenty of teamwork opportunities. It’s a lot of selfless acts and attention to detail in the service. With massage, you have to value your craft, be intentional with your word and actions, and always go the extra mile. I’m grateful to show up for my clients each and every day.
Katy I would also say that your tidying is spectacular…military clean. I don’t know if that’s always been a part of you. Were you always so tidy?
Andrew My father was, therefore my brothers and I were. He was a former Army officer, and everything was done with attention to detail.
Katy Oh, got it. So you grew up that way?
Andrew Oh, yeah. Had to clean things with a toothbrush and everything.
Katy How did the military shape how you think about health and wellness?
Andrew Obviously, they value taking good care of yourself. You had to be ready at any given moment. I always tried to show up for myself to the best that I could. Being human, we all ebb and flow and have our moments where sometimes we’re just on it, and other times struggling.
The military definitely laid a baseline for me early in life. Working out early in the mornings, and there was always a lot of running. So I was definitely a runner back then, but not so much now. I enjoy lifting weights and casual bike rides now. Neighborhood walks and stopping to take the occasional photos. Wellness takes on a different meaning than it did for me even just 15 years ago. Nowadays I value and view myself better; with a strong focus on my mental wellbeing and quality time with strong, supportive people who care about me.
Katy And when you came out of the military, remind me how you got interested in massage school.
Andrew I was actually in the middle of my contract with the Army National Guard when I ended up jumping into the massage field. I signed up for the service when I was 18, and a freshman at the UW. When I got into massage school I was about 21 years old. I just decided to step away from college after a few years to pursue a trade school. Lo and behold, here I am.
Katy Here you are!
Andrew I felt lost when I was in college in my early years. I worked hard to get into a great institution; parents made it seem like you needed to go to college to get a great job and set yourself up financially. I didn’t know who I was, or what I wanted as a student at the UW. It was nice to step away on my own and intentionally decide to pursue something that felt right. I could help and heal other people, and there’s nothing better than helping your community. So, it’s very rewarding what we do as massage practitioners/therapists. I’ve always been a hands-on type of person, and I enjoy being able to be there for people. That’s just who I am, naturally. So, being able to just show up and help people every day, it’s a nice little cherry on top of this thing we call life. I’m grateful for what I get to do.
Katy That’s really cool. Was there anything about massage school that totally surprised you?
Andrew Not necessarily. There were a lot of people that were wired like me, very hands-on and natural healers. A thirst for healing and treating people. I enjoyed my graduating class; all very heartfelt, and good people. It opened my eyes up to the variety of other people out there because there are some really cool people in the healing arts, man. I was having a good time just getting to meet, learn, and grow with some of those people. I still chit-chat with some of them today.
Katy What do you love the most about the clients that you work with?
Andrew It’s kind of similar, but the variety. We’re all so different, but in so many ways, we’re all so similar. That’s what’s really fun. You get to meet people where they’re at. I like when people are truly raw, authentic, and kind. It’s just getting to be real with people, that’s a pleasure. Seattle’s demographic has changed so much, even in the short 11 years I’ve been in practice. It’s great to get to meet people not just from other parts of the U.S., but the world.
We have to create such a space of warmth, safety, and security. I love being able to foster that for people. It helps people relax more, and it really brings out some positive and great conversations. Touch is really powerful, and I don’t ever take that for granted what I can provide. I wake up many mornings and remind myself I’m grateful for what I do. To be able to make physical, mental, and emotional impacts on those in the community is truly a gift I get every day.
Katy So cool. That’s great. How do you generally feel in your body?
Andrew Hmmm, I’m working on being more present with myself. I have a tendency to not really sit with my thoughts enough, and I definitely am not the best at addressing my own personal needs. If I’m being honest, right now I struggle with my own self-confidence issues and making myself a priority. I’ve stepped away from really focusing on what I need, and putting in that hard shadow work. I’m a work in progress, but like many of us out there, some days I’m on, and some days I can feel a bit off.
Katy What does it feel like when you’re “off?”
Andrew Your heart and mind aren’t really talking to each other. I realize that I don’t take enough time to just sit with myself, as much as I should. To meditate and think through, “how am I feeling in my body?” Just being more present, practicing mindfulness, and really asking, “Why is my body saying this to me?” I know what I need to do. I just need to be kinder to myself on this journey I’m on in my own life.
Katy What are the things that you tend to do for yourself when you think of it?
Andrew I used to be really good about getting massages almost weekly. Now I try to maintain my body’s needs with at least one massage a month. At home, I try to be really good about doing some PT exercises I was prescribed for a chronic ailment I’ve been having. Sometimes showing up for myself is just going for a walk, taking photos, hopping on the bike, visiting friends, playing with my nieces, or spending time with my partner. I want to start getting into yoga, and in the new year, I want to try some pilates classes. I do enjoy getting on the floor and stretching. Foam roller is a great tool for many soft tissue injuries, that and my trusty lacrosse ball.
Katy And you have your massage gun.
Andrew I do, yeah, the percussion tool. I definitely rock that thing. Sometimes, if I have some free time between clients, it’s nice to just stretch. I’m always stretching out my forearms and hands as they take the brunt of what we do, as you know. I try to do some hydrotherapy, so I’ll do hot-cold therapies at home. Just some things to try and keep everything fine-tuned so I’m capable of showing up at my best.
Katy How does your vegan lifestyle play into your wellness or your sense of wellness?
Andrew Since I made that decision a little over two years ago, I definitely feel amazing about my decision. It was a change brought on thanks to my partner who’s been vegan for many many years now. Like many of us, I was raised to consume animals growing up. Not making the ethical connection to what was on my plate. I always said I loved animals as a kid, and yet here I was eating them. I watched a really hard, yet impactful documentary on YouTube called “Dominion.” After watching that, that was it. I had transitioned from what was already a consistent plant-based diet, to being fully vegan. There’s no greater joy than acknowledging our furry friends and allowing them the opportunity to live full lives. I’m no greater than them, and I will continue to be a voice for the voiceless.
Katy How does that play into your sense of wellness?
Andrew To me, it’s more of an ethical thing. Especially now that I know those choices that I was making. When you make a decision to go vegan, it’s a selfless act. It’s more of just respecting animals. I grew up loving animals and wanting to be a Veterinarian, and then making the decision to pursue other avenues in college, and then, of course, the military, and now massage, but I always had a love for animals. Just makes me feel good trying to be more ethically-minded towards them.
So, I wouldn’t necessarily chalk it up to like a “wellness thing.” It’s just another way of eating and being. I don’t eat really any different than what I was eating before, except I’m a little bit more mindful about what I put in my body. Now I’ve just gotten used to living the lifestyle. When you meet other people that have chosen to be kind to animals, it’s pretty awesome, because you kind of feel like you’re part of this niche club, in a way. We live in a very agricultural, animal meat-hungry society which isn’t gonna change anytime soon. So I know I’m kind of an outlier to the norm. I hope as time passes, more people understand the impact of their choices when they decide to eat animal flesh. They are beautiful, and they think, feel, and love just like you or I.
Katy Switching lanes, how does it feel to be a practitioner of color, and how does that play out in the massage world? As a practitioner, and then also with clients?
Andrew At my last job, they researched the numbers on who decides to go to schools, such as physical therapy school or massage school, and other healthcare areas. BIPOC numbers are way down.
Katy For BIPOC practitioners?
Andrew Yes, for many reasons that I won’t get into today, but it’s very much because of things such as, redlining, white privilege, and many of our social justice issues that have plagued this country for way too long.
My being a therapist of color hasn’t changed the way I go about what I do, or how others have interacted with me. I grew up half black/half white, and am used to just seeing me, the man. I’m not defined by my skin color, but I do recognize my own privileges I’ve had that many others have not had. I made a decision to be here, but I’m grateful that I had the institutions around, and the fortitude to network with those that I admired. I do represent a small percentage of BIPOC practitioners in the Seattle area, and I will continue to be a great, professional example for others.
I honestly didn’t really think too much of my being a mixed-race man going into this field. I am who I am, and will deliver my talents to anyone that seeks them. There’s still plenty more I’ve got to learn about the BIPOC community out there. I don’t care what your designation is, or what color you are, as long as you’re a good person. Sometimes you don’t vibe with everybody. I’m to the point now in my life where I know that that’s okay. I’m not supposed to please everybody.
Katy Right. Has that stretched your boundaries of your sense of inclusivity, about working with other types of people?
Andrew Sure. Seattle is a progressive area with many people with unique backgrounds. I’ve always been really grateful for being here. Definitely this last year, it’s opened my eyes a great deal about my own privileges, and opportunities. In my time here in Seattle you’re going to see some people of color, but not many that have been forced out by racial gentrification. Seattle is quite expensive, and unfortunately not affordable for many, many, many people out there. I do wish in time we see more diversity in this city and absolutely more affordable housing that insists on having more families of the BIPOC community. I’d love for the opportunity to work with more and more people from diverse, ethnic backgrounds.
Katy Well, and I know it’s hard for BIPOC folks to find practitioners of color. Or people who really understand their bodies or their social situations or role and place in society, or that feeling of somebody really “getting them.” Do you feel like that plays into your work? I guess you’re mostly working with white people.
Andrew I try not to overthink it. I mean, it’d be nice to be able to reach out to everybody, but we can only do so much. I think it’s great that we’re at least a business open to anybody and everybody. A safe space for anyone. That’s the beautiful thing about massage and what I bring. A human touch that comes from a place of understanding and a willingness to learn more from each and every individual. There’s a broader question of, how would we be able to reach out and get to some of these groups.
Katy Well, it sounds like it’s also not as much of a priority for you to find practitioners for yourself of color, or is that something that you think about?
Andrew At the end of the day, all I care about is are you good at what you do? You know? Are you a good person? Do you treat me with respect? I’m not trying to go out of my way necessarily to seek other professionals of color, except my barber in South Seattle. I do enjoy networking with other BIPOC professionals, of course, and welcome that. I don’t fall into the category where I only want to see such-and-such people. I know some people feel that way, or subconsciously make those choices, but that’s just not who I am. Based on just where we live, again, if you’re going to seek any sort of practitioner, more than likely, they’re probably going to be white, and I’m okay with that. I understand where I live. I’m also just like many other people and seek out businesses around me out of convenience. During 2020, definitely more people were better about wanting to go support Black businesses, and that was awesome. But like with many things, it was just the trendy thing to do, be, and support. I’m sure people are back to their usual ways by now, unfortunately.
Katy Totally. Gosh, there are these moments in time, right, where things kind of open up and awareness expands, hopefully. And there’s always expansion and contraction.
Andrew Yeah, I’m anxious to see things moving forward. But we, as a society, we’re so quick to just keep going back to what we’re used to and what we’re comfortable with. It’s just human nature. It’s what makes us feel safe.
Katy Well, as practitioners, too, and as this business, we have the opportunity to keep that awareness there, staying open, and really welcoming people, and focusing on how to welcome a more diverse massage crowd. And also just how to reach more people that maybe don’t have the opportunity. So that’s a fun conversation to talk about, together.
Andrew It’s great. I think it’s wonderful to be able to reach out to any and all kinds of people. I’m a big believer, obviously, in what we do and what we can provide. Everybody needs a massage regimen, and I love that we have not just the talent, but the skills to give to our great community. I’m very happy to be associated with Rise Up Therapeutic Massage.
In this time of the year close to Halloween and Day of the Dead, it is said that the veil is thin. The boundary between the living and the dead is blurred. Our own family takes this time each year to honor my son’s father and our ancestors, telling stories and bringing our own remembering rituals into this sacred time. Since he has been on my mind and since we are also approaching this season of gratitude, I would love to share this story I wrote about Felipe last year. I hope you enjoy!
Felipe
A story of gratitude and being yourself
This year on Thanksgiving, I was remembering my late husband, Felipe, and how as a family, we got really into the art of blessing our food. Taking a moment to be present and reflect on our gratitudes before our meals. It felt really spacious and lovely. We’d take our time, sometimes sitting with a group of friends, everyone slowly soaking up the silence and depth of the moment in communion, thinking of all the people who brought the food to our table and how grateful we felt for such richness in our lives.
So Felipe was known for often being the weirdest guy in the room, delightfully so. He truly didn’t care what anyone else thought about him, in all the best ways. He’d take this depth of our blessings everywhere he went, taking long silent pauses in restaurants or anywhere he ate, just eyes closed, going deep into his still moment of gratitude. It was always a beat too long for me–slightly uncomfortable–but where I might feel self-conscious, I could take his lead and just try to go inside for that pause.
Many years ago at my cousin’s wedding, I remember a huge group of my mostly Catholic extended family all sat down with full plates, in all of our fancy clothes and excitement ready to dig in. Felipe offered that we do a small prayer and everyone seemed delighted for the reminder of that ritual. I’m sure everyone was expecting a short and formal, tidy Catholic prayer and then to move along with the meal.
But Felipe had everyone hold hands, close their eyes and he guided us into a meandering blessing touching on the blessings of our family and the gathering, the wedding, the food, and then all of the things that helped to bring the food to our table, nature, the weather, farmworkers, life. I looked up to see my family starting to squirm after the first twenty seconds and continued to delight in how uncomfortable things got deep into minutes one and two. I met my brothers snickering eyes and saw people looking at each other, shifting in their chairs like schoolchildren. They couldn’t escape this blessing, it was surrender to it or wait it out. This was a glorious Felipe moment, totally unphasable as he did his Felipe thing right there.
He finished the blessing, opened his eyes just totally zen and full of gratitude as my family gathered their wits about them and everyone dug in. I’m SURE totally tuned in to this moment in a different way.
So just be weird and be so you, right?! Say the blessing or don’t but I love that we have these moments to connect with ourselves and what’s important to us. These are the things we remember about life, the deep stuff, the touching stuff, the funny times we tried and flopped or triumphed but were just totally ourselves. We have to try, we have to step up and dig in. And these are the moments that people remember about us after we’re gone.
“Sometimes the simplest and best use of our will is to drop it all and just walk out from under everything that is covering us, even if only for an hour or so—just walk out from under the webs we’ve spun, the tasks we’ve assumed, the problems we have to solve. They’ll be there when we get back, and maybe some of them will fall apart without our worry to hold them up.”
I was given the gift of a retreat to Harmony Hills Retreat Center on Hood Canal. I cannot even fathom how I have gone so long without this kind of a break in my life with how fast our life feels at time. Now to be still, to reflect, be cooked for, be around beautiful strangers who shared from their hearts… magic! I highly recommend trying a retreat of any kind for your body, mind and heart to recover whenever you need. It can be an overnight to an airbnb by yourself as one of my clients is doing. It can be simple. Maybe it’s just a whole day of quiet set aside for you. This kind of condensed healing time allows one to honor and return to the preciousness of what’s important. Letting the world fall away for a while, you can see from another lens, a look back at your life that gives it new light.
“Just as life is made up of day and night, and song is made up of music and silence, friendships, because they are of this world, are also made up of times of being in touch and spaces in-between.
Being human, we sometimes fill these spaces with worry, or we imagine the silence is some form of punishment, or we internalize the time we are not in touch with a loved one as some unexpressed change of heart.
Our minds work very hard to make something out of nothing. We can perceive silence as rejection in an instant, and then build a cold castle on that tiny imagined brick. The only release from the tensions we weave around nothing is to remain a creature of the heart. By giving voice to the river of feelings as they flow through and through, we can stay clear and open.
In daily terms, we call this checking in with each other, though most of us reduce this to a grocery list: How are you today? Do you need any milk? Eggs? Juice? Toilet paper?
Though we can help each other survive with such outer kindnesses, we help each other thrive when the checking in with each other comes from a list of inner kindnesses: How are you today? Do you need any affirmation? Clarity? Support? Understanding?
When we ask these deeper questions directly, we wipe the mind clean of its misperceptions. Just as we must dust our belongings from time to time, we must wipe away what covers us when we are apart.”
I have been pondering ways to laugh more, to lighten up, to feel a little more playful and free:
Here’s an invitation to join Dalya as she offers zom and in-person dance classes in West Seattle’s HIIT LAB:
Dance Dance Dance
Hi dancers,
I’m so excited for this week! I’ll be teaching our usual Tues/Thurs Noon zoom class, but also an IN REAL LIFE class starting on SUNDAY Funday at West Seattle’s HIIT LAB!!! 100% OUTSIDE and covered! Join our usual lunch hour class with the link below and sign up for IRL class here.
Feel free to spread the word and forward the class link to friends! I offer this class out of love! Donations are welcome but not required. You can Venmo @Dalya-Perez or paypal me at dalya.perez@gmail.com
I have been studying Somatic Experience work in this last year and a half since the start of COVID. Somatic Experience helps people “build awareness, coherence, and self-regulation. The result is a deeper understanding of the body/mind connection with an improved ability to release and regulate emotions. It also helps manage stress, resolve issues related to trauma, heal from and navigate life transitions, relationships and build resilience.”
An idea developed by Dr. Peter Levine, he believed that humans (like animals in the wild) possess the same ability to release physical energy from stress but often thwart it by “keeping it together” following trauma. We all probably have direct experience “keeping it together” through a difficult experience. Our ability to override what is an innate mechanism for self-care is for many of us what sets the stage for PTSD. By stopping this natural cycle of release, the energy becomes stuck, in effect keeping us in a perpetual state of fight-or-flight so that we are unable to return to our relaxed, balanced state. https://therapy-mn.com/blog/somatic-experiencing-ptsd/
Some ideas to ponder in the relationship of trauma and how we store this in our bodies: What is happening in my body when I feel overwhelmed or when I feel anxiety, or another familiar emotion that tends to come on to you powerfully. By beginning to get curious about what’s happening in our body, we can start to noice if there is a thought or meaning we are making of how we feel, an emotion we can name, an image we can bring up of the sensation, any senses like a smell, texture or color to this feeling. We can look at the way our body is responding and wanting to move.
For example, when I feel anxiety, I often get overwhelmed by my thoughts and emotions often something like this: “Oh gosh, I don’t know if I’ve thought this all the way through, what if I’m missing something or what if I make the wrong decision?” Then I’ll tend to feel scared and that puts me thinking similar thoughts and basically, that continues on a loop. Super fun!
I start to work with this by first recognizing that this loop is happening and put words to that, “Oh, here I am doing that thing, I’m looping from fear into thoughts that focus me on more fear. I’m feeling really anxious.”
Then I’ll begin to bring in a body sensation to this, I’ll notice where I’m feeling the anxiety or fear in my body. It might be a tightness in my chest.
Then I’ll look for any other sensations, images, any extra sensory information I can bring in here. I might think: Aha, I’m noticing with that tightness in my chest, there’s actually a little vibration and some warmth there. It feels like a red ball of energy right there in my chest.
Then I can see if my body is trying to do any type of movement or some physical form I’m adopting. I’ll notice maybe my jaw is clenched or maybe my hands are tight or I might be curling my body in towards a protective slump.
By bringing these different elements into the experience I’m having, it’s like I’m opening the loop up, expanding it, and making it a richer, brighter experience that I can really see from a new perspective. It might not be less uncomfortable at first but instead of staying stuck in the loop from my emotions to my thoughts and back and forth… it gives me greater context. The feeling is one of slight relief and a bit of integration into the rest of my body. It’s like a feeling of wholeness, a bit more resiliency. It feels very relieving and empowering to find tools like this.
After my husband passed, I was working with my long-time therapist and the Somatic Experience work we did together around my grief was life-saving and transformative. It gave me context to emotional states that were completely overwhelming in that deep trauma of loss. It gave me a way of contextualizing pain, anxiety, sadness. I lean on these tools all the time and am so excited to be bringing this work into my bodywork with clients, deepening my ability to hold space for your deepest things that you bring with you in your body. Life is a beautiful mystery and our bodies are holding our stories inside. As we learn to be with our bodies in a safe and loving way, we can bring more and more compassion and presence into our every day, showing up whole with our whole hearts.
I am convinced that life in a physical body is meant to be an ecstatic experience- Shakti Gawain
I have been taking a beautiful course and journey with my teacher, Amba Gale called Crossing Thresholds. We reach these moments in our life, these thresholds that we encounter where we get to choose to cross over and see what lies on the other side for us. What’s on the other side of possibility and surrender? We reach these forks in the road and we can also choose to stay safe and reside in the familiar, which is totally okay as well. But for me, I have been called to cross this threshold and am fascinated by the spiritual process that is unfolding.
For me, I am choosing to cross thresholds on so many levels right now and I want to do so with my heart feeling alive, expansive, and full of hope. My partner is moving into our home with his two wonderful little kiddos and doggie with my son and I. There are so many changes mixed into this that I can choose to stay in anxiety and worry about things or I can choose to see the deeper unfolding, the leaning into love and possibility. To allow the gifts to expand. In this shifting, I am able to begin to let go of so many things about solo motherhood and widowhood. It is a really powerful change happening in my life in the context of a new school year in another year of COVID and just so many things. I am choosing to see what’s on the other side of my fear.
In these moments, we can envision ourselves in our new role, new surroundings, choosing to fully cross over and allow things to be new within ourselves. What parts of me are truly fixed and what parts of me can be fluid? Can I fully surrender, to allow myself to stand fully here and just be aware in this present moment? We get to decide what comes with us and what stays. Who am I willing to become on the other side of this? What parts of me do I want to nurture and hold close and what am I ready to leave behind? A big part of this work turns out to be the closure of things from our past that no longer serve us or that we are ready to honor and leave behind.
What does it mean to forgive and give closure? I heard someone say that forgiveness is giving up hope for a better past. It is a powerful thing. There is a beautiful traditional Hawaiian prayer the ho’ oponopono prayer that is simply:
“I’M SORRY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU”
Take stock of the things that might keep you from moving forward in your life and consider finding closure, saying goodbye, clearing your energy to come forward with you by letting go, and allowing the past to rest. Perhaps there is some forgiveness needed, some closure, some willingness to let go.
Choose to believe that all shall be well! Thoughts that serve me in crossing through anxiety into a new realm. What does this mean in our bodies?
Take online courses on platforms like commune, insight timer, calm app. They have built in community features that help you connect with people who are interested in similar topics
Be present as you are out in the world, notice even tiny opportunities to connect with others, to say hello, to have heart connections with strangers in passing.
Make an appointment for connecting with another: massage, acupuncture, therapy, haircut… who are the people in your neighborhood 🎶
Brainstorm a list of all of the ways you can build community or expand your sense of connection with those already around you.
Dance Church! Dance and get freaky with a bunch of fun people online!
