Category: Healing

Radical Self Love

Posted on by rootsmassage@gmail.com

I have some seriously vulnerable things to share with you!!! 
I just survived my worst nightmare and am living to tell you about it…. 
Healing through sharing…here goes. 

I just went on a tropical beach vacation with my favorite people in the world…in my most voluptuous body of my life in a swimsuit. 

That’s it!

I’m embarrassed to say that this to me was an actual nightmare. 

My body was living this as if I were going to die. 
I was not ready for this. 

It was dawning on me that this intense amount of body shame I have had for myself my whole life was a real, living thing. I knew that I was a product of our Western world’s diet body-shame culture. But this felt so over the top here.

Packing and preparing for this trip was completely anxiety-producing – almost debilitating. I was having panic attacks and couldn’t sleep. And I was about to go to paradise and be with my best friends to have the time of our life.

My head could find little logic in any of this.

I am actually a LOVER of people in every way, all shapes and sizes. I massage and touch people every day and adore bodies. I geek out on healing and am fascinated by nearly every single thing about our amazing human experience through this lens. 

I appreciate my clients in all of their ways of being. Always. Never a judgment or harsh thought on any of the thousands of butts and legs and tummies and backs I’ve seen. 

Bodies are beautiful, all shapes, sizes, and versions of any of us and I know that those bodies change. I really love watching people evolve and hold them with so much compassion and love.

So WHAT is happening here? 

Why this stress, lady?!

I am going to my best friend’s wedding. On an island. 

First of all, I’m so grateful and feeling majorly privileged to be able to go. It’s a pandemic, first of all. Super complicated, I haven’t been on a plane in how long?

Plus, I really never imagined this kind of trip for a girl like me. The Bahamas feels like… pretty fancy. It’s a dream! I should be so excited, elated, over the moon.

Yet here I was TRIPPING OUT on how much my body had changed since I’d seen these friends. I used to be this, I used to be that. I used to be an athlete, younger, ready to do some sprints, whatever comes with all those things! Now I have thicker thighs and cellulite in weird places and a lot of extra.

“What will they think?” felt like a real, painful conundrum. How would I feel with my body posted to pictures online? Any picture, swimsuit or not. “Gosh, what will people think of me?!?”

I’m just not digging my body right now, how would they?

Wow.  

I can’t believe I care and I can’t believe the power of these messages. 

I know that what others think is none of my business. 

Yet apparently my Buddhist-natured practices of self-love had never been able to crack this nut of self-shame and loathing. 

The body-positive movement had really not undone any of this fear, panic, self-judgment. 

I love myself. I do. 

I thought I did!

But when put to the tropical island test, I was panicking, dieting, freaking out. 

I saw what was happening and I realized that this was not me living my best life here. This is not me at my core. 

At 45 years old, what I want is to thrive in my body and be unconditionally in love with this amazing life that I’m living, this healthy body with all of its flaws, curves, aches, and age. I want to live this deep knowing that I am actually a being of love energy. I am whole, complete, and lovely just as I am! I am ME! Unconditionally awesome and beautiful ME! 

Other people see me for my beauty, why is this difficult to see myself?

So, I realize that I am so done with this. 

Done with the pain of dieting, fantasies, and not loving who I am, wherever I am, however I am. I am done with the self-shame. 

I am ready to change and learn how to love myself. 

I am decided. 

Yet  I didn’t even know where to start. 

I literally didn’t even know how to start loving myself. 

Me, Katy, who has watched a million teachers’ videos, podcasts, speakers, friends talk and guide on self-love, body appreciation…all the lessons and truth and wisdom that I “know”. 

Yet here I was at the starting line with myself, a total beginner. 

What did I do? I chose a starting point. 

I thought of all the small things that were in my control that I could do in the next month before the trip that helped me to feel beautiful, see my beauty, appreciate my body, my shape, and find my glow. 

I budgeted some self-love energy and bought new earrings, some beautiful dresses. I got a facial and waxed my wiley brows (a once every 4 year event:). I browsed plus-sized swimsuits to appreciate the beauty of all sizes of bodies and ordered and tried on 30 swimsuits that were bangin’ on a curvy body. Gorgeous prints and styles that I knew I’d love to rock, not just my standard black suit. I got a tan against the advice of said esthetician.

I practiced visualizing myself on the beach among my friends, living adventures that were full of pure joy, self-appreciation, and presence. It was incredibly difficult to do at first with the compassion I was longing for. But I practiced over and over, loving me in my clothes, loving myself, my hair, my body, my movements, my strength. I focused on the gratitude I have for my amazing health and rad strong body. 

I have an incredible partner right now who adores me, loves my body as it is, loves me for me. I know this. I practiced hearing this and seeing through those eyes.

I practiced distancing myself from my thoughts about myself and just letting myself BE. Be present. Just BE, girl. Chillllll. 

I worked with my therapist on this in a deep somatic way, what does it feel like to have that love for yourself no matter what, where does that love live in your body? What does it feel like when another loves you unconditionally and can you receive that love and appreciation? When do I feel beautiful and what does that really feel like?

I worked with a coach who helps me to change my thoughts around things like really understanding that our beliefs shape our reality. Time to undo these thoughts that keep me feeling terrible, that keep me small and ashamed in my body. To really expand on those thoughts that help me feel powerful, engaged, present, alive, happy, grateful…. How do I WANT to think and feel about myself and my life? Practice that! 

So… I went on the friggin’ trip! I was overjoyed to be staying in a beach house with not only friends who were family to me but included two of my most gorgeous friends who happen to both be incredibly fit yoginis. I delighted in this gift from the universe, to do this self-love work under these conditions. Ha!

We arrived. I stripped down, put on my suit, and rocked the self-love like a zen badass for a week! Playing, dancing, paddle boarding, jumping off of rock walls in my swimsuit and my curves and all of me all week. I was able to completely let go of my fears, my judgments of self, and just BE. I would hear whispers of the old voices, the shame or shoulds, regrets, and fears about my body and health. It felt like such old news compared to paradise. Like, give me a BREAK, small thinking.

I was able to adjust and just be. I could immerse myself in these moments of the present moment. So much love, so much fun and delight.

All of the work I had done finally took hold, the letting go had finally happened. My starting block self-love steps set me on a path of so much appreciation for my body that I won’t go back. I just refuse to hate this body anymore. I refuse to get that distracted about what’s important to me. I know what really matters. It’s time to love me. It’s time to be 45 right now and just be right where I’m at, who I am right now. Me, beautiful me! 

My loving friends who are like family to me embraced me as I am (of course!!) and I survived (of course!). This trip wasn’t about me or my body after all. It was about my dear friends’ wedding, the love, the friends, our community, these incredible people and connections. Total magic. This was a soul-filling journey of self-love and adventure. It was about connection to my son, our family, our friends and community who are all of my son’s reminders of his dad, my late husband… an immersion into love. None of which had anything to do with my shape or size. 

Don’t we just live in a total mind-fuck of a culture where you can be dieting your whole life?! I see it clearly and I am done. I’m ON TO YOU, B.S. body-shaming culture. It’s total baloney.

There are so many other peaceful, amazing, expansive ways to approach health, change, and loving ourselves to wellness that I am choosing a different path. I will continue to delight in this journey and share and expand this message of love.

I am sharing all of this now because it is SO COMMON, it is so deep and we are nurtured to hate ourselves. We are conditioned to see our deficits and try to force ourselves to be different, resist the beauty that we have in our differences and imperfections. 

It’s time for me to share this and bare all because I feel like I’m done hiding and feeling any shame around this.

I am sharing this because on the outside, most people would NEVER guess that I have all of this inside of me, they come to me to help them love their bodies! I come across as incredibly high-functioning and well adjusted:) haha. I am but also…. I have, like all of us, this HUMAN HUMAN side. My wounded side, the shadows, the soft parts, the parts that we get to shine a light on.
I am ready and wanted to share my heart and soul because vulnerability is so frigging healing. 

I am on a continuous journey to find my healthiest self, mind, body, and spirit. We meet ourselves, all the parts of us right where they are.

I am committed to loving myself just as I am in each moment.
I look forward to more movement, healthy eating, laughter, play, and so much love. 

Starting with me and my love for myself always. 

Let’s do this, people! Let’s change the way that we think about our bodies together and love on all of our differences. I am new to this, which feels shocking to me, totally exciting, and also scares the shit out of me. I am new to sharing so vulnerably that it feels also paralyzing. I’m scared to offend anyone, to turn anyone off. But I love you, and I’m just going to say F* it and hit send! 

Change is no joke:)   

Love love love love to you all. 

Katy

On Gratitude & Being Yourself

Posted on by rootsmassage@gmail.com

ON GRATITUDE & BEING YOURSELF 

In this time of the year close to Halloween and Day of the Dead, it is said that the veil is thin. The boundary between the living and the dead is blurred. Our own family takes this time each year to honor my son’s father and our ancestors, telling stories and bringing our own remembering rituals into this sacred time. Since he has been on my mind and since we are also approaching this season of gratitude, I would love to share this story I wrote about Felipe last year. I hope you enjoy! 

Felipe

A story of gratitude and being yourself

This year on Thanksgiving, I was remembering my late husband, Felipe, and how as a family, we got really into the art of blessing our food. Taking a moment to be present and reflect on our gratitudes before our meals. It felt really spacious and lovely. We’d take our time, sometimes sitting with a group of friends, everyone slowly soaking up the silence and depth of the moment in communion, thinking of all the people who brought the food to our table and how grateful we felt for such richness in our lives.

So Felipe was known for often being the weirdest guy in the room, delightfully so. He truly didn’t care what anyone else thought about him, in all the best ways. He’d take this depth of our blessings everywhere he went, taking long silent pauses in restaurants or anywhere he ate, just eyes closed, going deep into his still moment of gratitude. It was always a beat too long for me–slightly uncomfortable–but where I might feel self-conscious, I could take his lead and just try to go inside for that pause.

Many years ago at my cousin’s wedding, I remember a huge group of my mostly Catholic extended family all sat down with full plates, in all of our fancy clothes and excitement ready to dig in. Felipe offered that we do a small prayer and everyone seemed delighted for the reminder of that ritual. I’m sure everyone was expecting a short and formal, tidy Catholic prayer and then to move along with the meal.

But Felipe had everyone hold hands, close their eyes and he guided us into a meandering blessing touching on the blessings of our family and the gathering, the wedding, the food, and then all of the things that helped to bring the food to our table, nature, the weather, farmworkers, life.  I looked up to see my family starting to squirm after the first twenty seconds and continued to delight in how uncomfortable things got deep into minutes one and two. I met my brothers snickering eyes and saw people looking at each other, shifting in their chairs like schoolchildren. They couldn’t escape this blessing, it was surrender to it or wait it out. This was a glorious Felipe moment, totally unphasable as he did his Felipe thing right there.

He finished the blessing, opened his eyes just totally zen and full of gratitude as my family gathered their wits about them and everyone dug in. I’m SURE totally tuned in to this moment in a different way.

So just be weird and be so you, right?! Say the blessing or don’t but I love that we have these moments to connect with ourselves and what’s important to us. These are the things we remember about life, the deep stuff, the touching stuff, the funny times we tried and flopped or triumphed but were just totally ourselves. We have to try, we have to step up and dig in. And these are the moments that people remember about us after we’re gone.

❤️

How to love your body when you feel like shit

Posted on by rootsmassage@gmail.com

a-walk-through-the-woods-benjamin-bergh-photography-580x390There is a patience required for healing and injury that is often so underestimated. I see it time and time again in the work that I do with my clients. You get injured, you have pain, something needs some healing attention. There might be a specific injury or illness, a diagnosis and a plan for recovery. There might be a timeline that a doctor has given you. There’s shock, frustration, hope and then just waiting. Waiting and recovering and healing and doing the slow, inner work that your body needs to heal. This can feel super shitty and boring sometimes! Where’s the drama and endorphins and sweaty adventures?

My take on it is: YES gather all the information you can, talk to a diverse range of healers, doctors, get on a plan for recovery. Your body physically, mechanically needs a host of support for healing from all angles and you can appreciate the support from experts. Do the program. Rest, ice, recover, strengthen, lengthen, whatever the plan is. Create habits around your healing and rest in that structure of: DO THIS (if there is such a structure).

Then you go inward. Notice your expectations and frustrations. Notice where you’re feeling let down by your body, by anyone on your health-care team, by yourself. Are you pissed that you’re not feeling well? That you’re not recovering as fast as you’d like? Are you frustrated that you can’t do this or that? Anything there? Feel what you’re feeling. Let yourself process the emotions around these things.

Next,  in this range of feelings around injury and recovery, notice if you’re able to be really gentle with yourself and your body. Are you being kind to yourself? Isn’t it amazing how our bodies just heal? It’s not always as outwardly stunning as an animal that can regrow a limb but our bodies are frigging amazing at healing! The thing is it’s so internal sometimes, so subtle, so mysterious to us looking in from the outside. What if you were able to have infinitely more patience for this deep process? Is there a way to set aside timelines that require you to be READY to go or back to “business as usual” by this date or that? What if your body is just totally on time with where it’s at? What if there is some crazy reason you’ve been nudged to slow down a little? Do you have room for these possibilities?

Instead of EXPECTING immediate optimal health and being pain-free and good to go, try to cultivate so much gratitude for the optimal health that you do have in all of these other areas that COULD be so messed up but aren’t. Remember how awesomely you DO support your healing already.  Your body is thanking you everyday for the extra rest, the extra water, the nutrition, the exercises, the TLC of any kind you’re throwing it’s way. Your body is kicking ass in healing right now, constantly. Be so, so sweet to yourself and remember to be so, so patient and loving. Your body will reward you so!

Plantar Faciitis: You pesky rascal!

Posted on by Katy

 

You wake up in the morning, step down on your foot and the heel pain has you hobbling first thing. As the day goes on, the pain diminishes here and there. No pain after the first few steps of your run but in the afternoon your foot is fatigued and achy and the pain returns right when you stand up or after standing for a bit. You sleep and repeat. Plantar Fasciitis is the sneaky- ninja injury that can come and go, seems to be resolved then hits you again full force when you least expect it. How frustrating!

A doc or physical therapist can diagnose your foot pain and let you know where to go from here. Plantar Fasciitis refers to repeat inflammation on the sole of your foot in the dense tissue that runs from the toes to the heel. It can be associated with a heel spur as a result of the injury that can be particularly painful to put pressure on. This injury can linger because as the fascia is healing and scar tissue is forming, especially in overnight rest as your foot is in relaxed flexion, the healing fascia can re-tear as soon as you step down on your foot with pressure. This can lead to built up adhesions and tension in the area over time that can be difficult to rest and heal.

Some things that might help speed your healing:

  • Icing the sole of the foot with a frozen water bottle in the evenings to keep inflammation down.
  • Stretching in the morning BEFORE getting out of bed, especially the calves. Try a seated forward bend while pulling a strap around the sole of your foot towards you.
  • Trying heat in the morning to limber up the fascia before you start your day.
  • Rolling a tennis or golf ball under your foot, as much as you can handle pain-wise, during the day to keep the tissue flexible.
  • Massage can help to keep the plantar fascia loose, especially as it connects up the back of the heel into the Achilles tendon and up into the calf. Muscular and fascial tension in this area can be a cause for the repeat nature of this injury.
  • Seeing a physical therapist can help to discover the origin of the issue, whether it’s how your foot is rolling as you walk, if you need orthotics or if a combination of strengthening here (gastrocnemius & soleus) and loosening there (calf fascia, hip flexors) is at issue. A night foot brace to keep your foot in extension might be a recommended help.
image thanks to: www.bodywork.com

 

How do you react to stress?

Posted on by Katy

I remember going to the doctor years ago with a barrage of symptoms ranging from skin conditions to some painful gastro-intestinal upset, surprised at how my typically awesome immune system seemed to have taken a vacation. I felt helpless and confused. My doctor asked if I thought my body had been under much stress lately and I said that no, not at all I felt happy, like everything was going according to plan besides my health. After assessing my situation she looked at me bewildered and with her head cocked sideways she asked, “So, you don’t think that living and travelling in a foreign country, going through a break up and then relocating to a new city, new job and having financial strain is considered stressful for your body? ” In that stage of my life, the choices that I saw as part of living the essential adventures of my life weren’t connected in my brain to the stresses that were being placed on my body and my ability to stay healthy. My body was screaming at me “ENOUGH!” and I really didn’t get it until that awareness presented itself to me in illnesses galore.

This is not a lesson to be learned and to be done with. Our bodies are constantly changing, adapting and finding new levels of homeostatic balance at each new stage in our lives. With each choice that we make that concern our daily schedule, food, sleep, activities, exercise, movement patterns like sitting at a desk or driving, we’re asking our body to automatically adjust all systems to accommodate. Not to mention our powerful mental world where our stress response is activated by financial worries, doing enough, rushing, driving in traffic and waiting in lines. The following article highlights how stress can affect us in subtle and not so subtle ways:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_signs.htm

My best lesson recently was to realize that in extra busy times in my life, even when I feel like I’m “on top of things”, there are really subtle yet specific symptoms that will alert me to my stress before I may even be consciously aware of it. My stress red flags are: knotted up stomach, difficulty sleeping distracted, inability to focus, really falling off of my self-care (diet and exercise) routine (which is doubly counter-productive as these are the things that can keep stress under control). I’ll say things like, “I don’t have time for the gym. I’m too busy!” If you can learn to catch yourself with early warning signs, you may be able to stop stress in your life before it becomes illness.

Here are some articles that highlight common warning signs:

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/stress-health-effects-body.html

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-symptoms/SR00008_D

So, what do you do when you realize you’re stressed out? We all need some tools in our toolbox to pull out when times are tough. Today we are barraged with information about stress relief and the point is: find something that you can and will actually do that will have some effect for the positive. It doesn’t have to be fancy, can be big or small, could take just a minute or it could be a long-term commitment to change. Often times if we can find just some space to put things in perspective, clarity will have its own neutralizing effect on some of the stress. Some small things to try to see if they fit your world:

Easy stretching, taking some deep breaths, journaling, taking a walk, talking with a friend, reading, watching a fun movie, turning off the phone, being in nature, meditating or just becoming more mindful of the moment, cleaning the kitchen, taking a nap, having a laugh attack,  being silly, playing with a pet, doing any kind of art, music or creating.

For larger stress issues in your life and chronic stress, it can be helpful to seek the professional and understanding ears of a therapist to help you navigate your best path to wellness. Other paths to wellness to try, with the recommendation of your doctor if you are seriously ill, are: regular exercise, commitment to a consistent food path that is in align with your health goals (more fruits and veggies!), self-care that includes:  relaxation, massage, hydrotherapy (sauna, steam rooms, swimming) and meditation, drinking plenty of water, and finding playfulness in your life that fuels your sense of worth and joy.

Here is a really cool NPR interview recording about stress:

http://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=3911637&m=3911638

A more scientific look at your body’s reaction to stress and your immune system:

http://immunedisorders.homestead.com/stress.html

Why not?! Adventures In Self Care

Posted on by Katy

Boot camp. Week 5. Every day at 6:05 I am jolted into the reality of what the morning has in store for me and I head to the MKG gym for my morning fix of butt whuppin’ (me getting whupped). I enrolled in a 10 week, mixed martial arts, cardio and strength training course  and I’m in the thick of it. I felt like it was just really time for a taste of being in shape again, some consistency, follow through and hopefully results. The gym had become my nemesis. I loathed the stair master and any other machine that promised a sweat. I couldn’t do it anymore! Enter boot camp.

It’s been a long 5 weeks of pretty intense workouts that have engrained in me a sweet,  renewed sense of my body’s intrinsic strength. I feel great, actually. I have more energy (besides the less sleep thing), my body is changing slowly but surely for the better. I can see my arm muscles again, my pants fit a little nicer. The massive changes that I hoped to see immediately have still eluded me and I mark this as another reason to keep up. Before, I would get really gung- ho about the gym, only to find my enthusiasm wane at around two weeks. When I didn’t see an immediate six- pack of abs, I’d just loose motivation, realizing that the idea is to look long term, rather than a quick fix. Quite honestly, I’m a quick fix girl at heart.

We did a fitness test at the beginning of the boot camp and again last week. Every day in class, I swear I can only do five pushups before my arms give way and refuse to budge. Somehow for the test, by the same miracle that someone can lift a car to save a life,  I was able to do 28 pushups in one minute (Are you kidding me? I’ve told everyone who will listen).  If these entire ten weeks are dedicated only to eliminating these mind games that hold me back, it will be worth it. I realized that I just had to have someone say, “ I’m timing  you: GO!”  for me to see what I had in me all along. Awesome. Definitely worth it!!

Check ’em: www.mkgseattle.com