Stumbling Intentionally into Motherhood

Revelations on becoming a parent

Wowza! Life looks a little different now… Six months already into it and I’ve been meaning to write all along… one of the many things on the bottom of my incredibly long to do lists.

Revelations come daily, usually in the last moment while standing on the brink of sanity with “where the hell am I in space and time?!” moments along with moments of “Can I actually do this?!”  Can I pull off this day of a thousand things, can I be a mother, a wife, a business owner, a nurturing therapist, a friend, a woman of this world AND a calm and centered person at the same time? It’s crazy, it’s turbulent, it’s shocking madness AND it’s wonderful, peaceful, joyful and quiet. Like I said, blessed revelations come in each moment when I feel like I just can’t take the rollercoaster ride for the day and I am left afterwards with a smile, strength and so much gratitude.

So, here I am for the first time hit with the cosmic 2 x 4 of “you can’t live in black and white, take it or leave it, on the wagon (of whatever) or off the wagon, all or nothing anymore”. I can’t map things out like I used to and I can’t count on the next day being just as I plan it to be. I can’t say that I’ll go to the gym everyday and expect each day to allow that for sure. I can’t plan things to infinite detail like I didn’t even realize I had the luxury to do before. I can’t say that I’ll sit and get two hours of work done and know that that will happen. I have mourned this part of myself that wants so badly to plan and control my destiny on a moment to moment basis and I am letting it go. I am learning that I if I don’t expect to have control over the details, then I don’t need to.

I’m learning this new flow of motherhood and am reinventing myself within it. A wise friend just told me to stop comparing myself BB to AB (before baby to after baby), to just let myself be who I am now. I would say that there are a lot of parts of myself that I didn’t even realize I valued as necessary for balance, sanity and happiness. Examples of this are: exercise, walks with friends, SLEEP, time alone, reading, organizing and cleaning and dates with my hubby. There are other things like travel, adventure, sports, wild nights out, concerts, looking hot, etc. that can just rest for a bit without too much loss. These other things I just can weave into this new fabric of my life as I can with such a huge sense of gratitude for them now that I hadn’t had before. I am so grateful for even twenty minutes of any of the above things. I get an hour to myself to write at a café and I feel new again and inspired.

I can now appreciate these moments as they come rather than needing to own them and plan them all out so much. It is just this great little gift that I’ve given myself that makes me more present as a mother, wife, therapist and all of the above. I hope for more of these but don’t expect them and that makes them even sweeter.

I ask you to reflect on those things in your life that make you feel whole. Are you making enough time for them or are other things more important right now? Are you holding onto old blueprints of who you think you are and how you should operate, are there any updates needed to shift toward the current, true you? Can you let priorities shift while still doing those things that are important for your mind, body and soul to feel good? Can you allow more flexibility and self-compassion in any area of your life?

Be well!